Feeling a little insecure this day,

it's been a long time since I've had to wonder just what I might be doing come Monday ...

When I allow myself to think about the audacity of a woman my age thinking that she can resign any position on a question of principle? How crazy is that? What in the world would give me the idea that I can walk away from any great job and pick up another at the drop of a resume? But, in thinking back over the past weeks, I can't imagine any other course of action. I could not have stayed, but walking away with only 3 months to go for my retirement benefits to kick in is probably not the brightest thing I've ever done. The state system requires five years of service, and I've worked under the PERS retirement system for 4 years and 9 months. One day less and you're on your own.

There is an alternative. Since both the city and county use the PERS system, if I can find some limited project (3 month stint), I can continue to accumulate credits for time served. Have put out word along the network and will hope that something will turn up. Otherwise, I will be one very expensive volunteer! Can't imagine not being involved in something. Will continue to do consultancies when possible, and to work on special projects with Barbara Becnel, but the steady income that I've grown used to, and that supports both my life and Dorian's has come to an end. Severe cutbacks in the state budget have eliminated her psychotherapist, her rent has seen another increase, and her meds that cost $10 in November rose to $300 after January 1st when she went for a refill. One might certainly question my timing, right?

Meanwhile, this afternoon I helped to celebrate the birthday of an old friend, and tomorrow is a concert of Dimensions Dance Theater with Omar Sosa, pianist, at the Yerba Buena Center in San Francisco. Am dreaming of tickets to see the long-awaited Lion King that opened this week and will be in S.F. until September.

Will meet on Monday with Barbara Becnel and Tom Hayden, then will complete engagements with those still in my datebook and that I can take into my personal life (some interesting projects), and plan to spend the next week lunching with friends and seeking more permanent work arrangements. Wednesday brings the 60 Minutes interviews and Ed Bradley. Have contacted my state senator to announce the introduction of his bill on the moratorium. Will have his answer on Monday. Probably should set aside the next week for worrying about approaching income tax preparation and then property tax filings, then, and only then, aarrggghhhh!!!!! Screaming time! But not until at least 60 days have elapsed.

My chances for employment at Hooters are pretty low, and I'm not sure I'll qualify for flight classes due to excessively sweaty palms -- but there must be something. There's a community college just down the hill from my condo. Maybe they can use a busybody type for something. Maybe I'll take those art classes I've been wishing to take -- "one day when there is time."

Don't think it's crackup time yet, but today my usually mind-bending drive on the freeway yielded little other than questions. Usually my best thinking is done while stuck in traffic. I keep a little tape recorder in the dash compartment, and have often been known to work out some pretty hefty questions while stuck between two SUVs and an oil rig on I-80. Today I couldn't focus, so noticed all of the negatives -- deisel smoke, sirens, garbage on the road, sinister-looking skid marks, angry drivers. Funny, that stretch along the bay usually brings up marine views, sailboats, windsurfers, an occasional kite, weird license plates, interesting sky patterns as the fog moves in stealthily from the sea... .

Was reminded again of just how true it is that we create our own reality... .