Saturday, May 15, 2004

Odd times ... .

These monumental life changes I'm experiencing at the moment are having a definite effect upon the way I'm moving through time. Having so many years experience under me at this point has the effect of lending a quality of familiarity to almost everything that happens. There are some anomalies that pop up now and then and that cause me to suddenly and inexplicably act out in unexpected ways. The only consistency is in the fact that those moves -- though out of character -- seem natural, and guided by some equivalent of an internal GPS (Global Positioning System).

Case in point: Went to bed last night feeling lonely. Unusual for me. Though I've enjoyed a lifetime of warm friendships of a well-peopled world, I've also learned to deeply value being alone. Reading and writing and listening deep in the sheer wonder of being alive was a lesson learned long ago when I was a young mother living in suburbia as an "enemy alien." It happened during the summer of the disorienting breakdown that threatened to destroy me but failed in the effort.

It was an extremely hot mid-summer evening. It must have been after nine o'clock, but the temperature was still in the high eighties. The kids were in bed, except for Rick who was busy with one or another of his projects some distance away in his downstairs bedroom. I was sitting out on the sundeck that overlooked a large swimming pool just beyond the treetop of a huge black walnut tree that hugged the railing on the east side of the house. I'd sat on the floor leaning against a huge plate-glass window -- absently strumming my guitar while waiting for a brilliantly bright full moon to clear the branches on its arc across the sky. All I could see was the great light it cast. The tree was still hiding it from full view, but its promise was exciting as anything I could imagine. The anticipation of "The Show" shortened my breath and sharpened my awareness.

Then the magic! As I watched it emerge into full view, a Luna moth flew ever-so-lightly to the top of the tree and lit upon a leaf silhouetted against the velvet black sky! There was that instant of ephiphany -- a moment when the light of the moon (serving as background to the now luminous moth!) ignited its wings as if lit from within, and there we were; the moon, the moth, and me...equal components in this planetary drama of meaning! We were in perfect balance in the universe. It was a feeling I had only that one moment in my life. I can close my eyes and bring it back -- whole -- as needed, and have many times since. Realization that I was one-third of that improbable triad -- creating this incredible moment in eternity, was stunning! It remains permanently etched into my brain.

In a rush I knew that this was the moment in time when being alone was the essential element in my drama. Had there been even one other person present -- by the time I'd said, "Look!" it would have passed. I'd probably never have known it had occurred. How many other such events have I missed while engaging in idle conversation? I was riveted into the experience, and every brain cell knew it. Zen? Don't know. I did know that I was(am) as necessary to the experience as was that tiny moth, or gigantic luminous moon... .

Thought of that last night, and allowed a feeling into consciousness that is usually re-directed into perpetual busyness. How long has it been since I fell asleep with head buried in the hollow of the shoulder of a lover? Did the atypical thing then (guided by that internal GPS), logged on to Yahoo Personals and created a profile! Not sure I'm looking for anyone (seriously), but it might be interesting to be "found." Can't imagine being married again, or yielding my independence to any other human being, but I can imagine drowzing off with my head in the hollow of his shoulder, truly... .

Could be that the writings of yesterday were disturbing to me. The state of the world has me fearful of watching the news, and I'm a CSPAN junkie. My growing mistrust of leadership, local, state, and national, allows no sanctuary. Having experienced the world of politics over many years has demystified those processes and left me intimately aware of the human imperfections of so many who seek to lead us. My treasured sense of independence is slowly being eroded by forces that are far beyond my control -- and maybe always were. Having in my memory bank pictures of life lived in harmony with another makes for a quiet hunger that mere friendships and rewarding work simply may not have the capacity to any longer satisfy. I don't really know.

In the light of day I wonder why on earth I would have ever yielded to this fleeting sense of need? However, I trust myself enough to know that giving in to natural urges has always led me well. Quite simply, I may have needed to create that profile for myself more than I need a response from another temporarily lonely stranger. Perhaps by so doing I've proven to myself, again, that I am human enough to admit my needfulness and can now add the element of idle anticipation to provide a distraction from a deeply troubling immediate future... .

This morning it feels like an adventurous thing to have done, and I regret nothing!

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