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Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Where does the time go?

Already it's Tuesday. Time has taken on a new quality that was imposed when I stopped working (formally). The days tend to run together without the glue of regular commitments. Today I found myself having to hunt up a calendar to make sure that it was Tuesday. I don't think I could live comfortably if I had to string together the weeks and months by irregular markers on my calendar having to do with doctors appointments and the occasional family birthday celebration. Til now the days have been separated by staff meetings and a to-do list that might bring a thirty-year-old to her knees! I miss the predictability that comes with following out a career and get disoriented when the days begin to look and feel alike. Maybe that will be the most difficult aspect of retirement.

Tomorrow I'll meet for lunch with the civic leader who may be my next career move and I'm excited at the prospect of what the meeting might bring. If that doesn't pan out, I'll continue to patch together my datebook entries from a variety of volunteer programs that need those of us with enough juice left to give to whatever cause they're pursuing. I've met so many wonderful people in such groups and they're always so grateful for extra hands to lighten the load. That may be a more realistic view of what the future holds, and that's certainly nothing to scoff at.

Realized that I may have been quietly waiting for a very long time to feel that light tap on the shoulder from my replacement. Haven't felt it yet, and am not sure that I'd recognize her if she showed up tomorrow. Maybe I need to begin to scout around. I may simply not have noticed in the busyness that makes up my life. Maybe she's been here and gone -- feeling rejected by my lack of attention.

Then maybe I've not yet adequately passed on enough of what I've learned. Maybe that's what it takes to let go -- the feeling that one has released into life all that has been earned, learned, and whatever has been one's unique gifts to give. Not sure... .

Maybe I'm simply being philosophical in preparation for the fact that tomorrow I may learn that the time has come to step away from the crowd, out of the arena, off stage, and trust that the world can take care of itself. I know that I've had the feeling since resigning last February -- that I'd entered a new phase of life and that fulltime employment was over for all time. And I felt okay about that. There has certainly been enough places to spend my energy, and it's been a good year, as these pages attest. The new position came out of the blue long after I'd accepted a new format to live by.

Maybe I'll discover tomorrow that I don't want to jump back into the fray after all, and that I can simply be more watchful about identifying my replacement and passing the torch. We'll see. I suspect that, either way, Thursday will be interesting to anticipate, and the weekend will bring the East Bay Center for the Performing Arts (EBCPA)"Sharing the Spirit" annual holiday festival -- and my darling granddaughters, Alyana and Tamaya will be dancing!

Maybe grandmothering will now be my fulltime position; and that wouldn't be a bad fate, would it?

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