Sorry to have been so long between entries ... didn't realize I would be missed ... .


(Thank you, Mona.)


So much is happening -- it's almost dizzying.  Maybe I'm slowing down without realizing it ... maybe not.  But since Lottie's death and the subsequent period of introspection and regret at those unfinished conversations, I seem to be living with a bit more effort somehow.  I'm painfully aware of the passage of time ... maybe that's natural, just something that's developed over years, and that I'd failed to notice.  Time is tangible -- a kind of graffiti in Braille on the walls of my condo that rush through my body like an electric shock when accidentally brushed against ... ticking away audibly from my little bedside clock.  Hadn't noticed that.  Silences now have weight and a presence of their own, and remain suspended inexplicably in the air as thoughts take longer to arrange themselves before being spoken; strange... .


Then I remember my mother and her quick walk and sassy grin, even at 95 (she would live to celebrate her 101st birthday), and realize that this movie may not be over quite yet.  Long ago I decided that the rest of my life would be lived in vignettes, and that there may be a few chapters in this saga left.

Was reminded by running into an artist friend (and a member of the faculty of the California School for the Arts), the evening that we viewed "The Man From Frisco" on the SS Red Oak Victory. He reminded me that President Beal wanted to meet over lunch soon to begin plans for next spring's commencement at the college where I'm to give the address and also receive an honorary doctorate.  Would you believe that I'd almost forgotten?  At the time of the announcement last spring, there was such a scene at our office that it was as though the honor had already been awarded.  In fact, I remember that I'd felt some confusion when someone pointed out that it was commencement of 2011 that this was all going to happen, and not in the few weeks in May of 2010.  For a time there I was in danger of showing up in the middle of this year's ceremonies with great expectations!  Wouldn't that have been wild?  How was I to know that these things are planned at least one year ahead since the recipients need that kind of lead time to clear their busy schedules (you should see the list of former eminent honorees, and you'd understand).  


There is something surreal about all this, but when I wasn't blogging over the past couple of weeks, I've been taking the time to try to get re-oriented in the light of all of the changes that need to be incorporated.


The Bancroft Library has taken many hours of my oral history at different times over the past decade.  They recently videotaped one of my bus tours and updated the work done earlier.  I'd never watched the footage, figuring that I knew me fairly well -- after all, I've been blogging for a very long time now -- and much of this serves as oral history, right?  


After being reminded of the upcoming spring event it occurred to me that -- since I'm still not quite sure why this is happening at all -- maybe I could find the clues in watching myself on tape.  Maybe I'd find something out of which I could begin to form that commencement speech ... .


... it was quite an experience.  I'm not sure what I learned from watching myself for several hours -- until ego dropped away and she appeared as a third person.  I'm not sure where it took me, but I experienced a vulnerability that was unfamiliar, and the awareness that she merged with the Betty who writes -- and suddenly it felt as if I'd dropped my towel in the public square!  In the days over the past 2 weeks I'd sit at my computer ... fingers motionless ... words refusing to flow from the tips with ease as before.  The strange paralysis must have arrived with the messenger who'd brought news of endings ... and grief. 


... kept telling myself that the weird feelings would disappear tomorrow ... and tomorrow... 


That's today, isn't it? 


Photo:  One Sunday morning at breakfast in midlife; bare-faced and caught by a friend just as Bill leaned over to present a fresh-picked lemon from our tree in the garden.  Hated the photo then.  Love it now.
  

Change of plans ... and just in the nick of time, too ...

Thinking about whether to try to drive to Southern California for the memorial service for Lottie next week -- and about how to fill in the time between now and then. 

There was the AYUSA young people whose program I was prepared to participate in by conducting a walking tour of the historic Nystrom District of Richmond, but that seems to have disappeared from the matrix I received today, and now I can choose between attending a commemorative event at Mare Island in Vallejo (the site of the Port Chicago mutiny trials during WWII) -- a follow-up to our Port Chicago Day of Remembrance last week -- and the annual Kite Festival on the Berkeley Marina with Dorrie on Saturday.  And just maybe I've had enough of remembrances and memorials and am hungry for a day of simply lying on my back in the tall grass watching the antics of a thousand kites of every shape and size against the blue sky.  Actually, I'd like to be alone in that crowd -- not having to speak a word ... maybe I need to admit that I'm feeling emotionally spent and soul weary ... .

Except for the fact that there was an email yesterday from a 19 year-old cousin who found me on the internet through a family search, and Taylor Charbonnet Brown, a philosophy major at St. Marys College in Moraga, California, is anxious to meet soon. She's lived within a few miles of my apartment without my being aware of her for all of her life.  What a time to be alive -- when the Internet brings such magic without warning.

Then there was another email from Jason Allen (maternal line), another young cousin whom I've never met, but with whom I've been corresponding for a couple of years.  I saw him through his enlistment in the armed forces; a tour of duty in Kandahar, Afghanistan; and now his safe return home to Florida.

Life does have a way of pressing us into the future whether we're ready or not.  And maybe -- after a few hours of lazy kite-watching ...  the future won't appear so threatening.

The truth is that tomorrow and tomorrow are the "future," and no one on earth can make any promises about how, if, or what they will hold.  My tomorrows will surely be as surprising as my yesterdays.

Today is all there really is, anyway, and that, my friends is more than enough, especially if there is even the hint of kites over the next horizon.

Funny how the lens keeps narrowing when I'm striving so hard to see life through  a panoramic view that takes me away from this closeup of the inevitable ... .

Last night during the early evening I drove out to Kaiser Shipyard 3 to the old SS Red Oak Victory where my fellow ranger, Craig, and historian Steve Gilford were showing a vintage film, "The Man from Frisco."  This would be a special screening of a rare movie that fictionalizes the story of the great WWII industrialist, Henry J. Kaiser, whose exploits in shipbuilding at that time are so much a part of the narration in my role as a NPS interpreter.  It was a way to escape the gloom that had descended since Saturday morning.

This morning I've been trying to concentrate on the upcoming week when, starting Monday, I'll be involved in the planning for a fall series of arts projects (photographic exhibit, lectures, films, etc.) around the subject of the Japanese American story for which I'm planning two bus tours to be co-led with Toru Saito -- tours of related sites including a visit to those abandoned greenhouses with the roses still cascading out of time-shattered roofs in defiance of the destructive actions of the unknowing.  The NPS, the Richmond Museum of History, the Richmond Arts Center, and the Japanese/American Historical Society are partnering in this exciting venture.

Before that happens, I'll be working with a group of 90 high school students who are coming from all parts of the country and the world in a program called AYUSA.  They're international ambassadors for their countries and are being hosted by the Richmond Community Foundation.  They will be based at the University of California during their stay.  They're arriving on Saturday, July 31st, where -- among other activities will be a Betty-led walking-tour of the Nystrom Historic District wherein lies the Maritime Child Development Center, the Nystrom Village -- worker housing, and MLK park  (all a part of the scattered sites that form the park), which are being restored to enable the telling of the stories that are so vital to the reclamation of that era.

Unfortunately, the disembodied presence of death has narrowed my lenses so much that I'm struggling to keep some breadth to my thinking and am failing miserably.

As I walked up the unsteady see-through whatever-it's-called (hanging-on-the-side-of-the-ship stairs?) to board, I realized that I'd completely forgotten until that moment that it was from this deck of the SS Red Oak Victory that I'd scattered my eldest son's ashes about ten years ago; evidence that this, too, shall pass.  I almost turned around in the gathering dusk to drive home, feeling that there was just no hope of this fog of despair lifting, but I plodded on my unsteady climb to the top deck; made my way through the narrow passageway past the galley; down the steep ladder-like stairs to the Hold where suddenly life returned in full color as I caught sight of Steve and Craig and Lois preparing the projector and smelled the buttery aroma of popcorn in the popper -- and finally those 124 movie buffs who were entering the Hold with grins of anticipation turned up, and life began to return again.

Today Dorian's persistent and nonsensical talk is a welcome change from the gloom that has claimed me over the past week, and her innocent absence from that which has so drained the life from these past hours serves to lift the spirits and change the conversation.  I'm experiencing a re-directing, despite the need to incorporate this new reality of loss -- and by my daughter -- who is spared much of the pain by her childlike existence.

...an unseen and unexpected blessing, I think, but evidence that perspective and balance will return in time.

Photo:  Japanese Greenhouses by Richmond photographer, Ellen Gailing.

Sobering times ... unfathomable sadness  ... resignation?

I remember a dear poet friend, Benedict's, words on the death of my mother in 1995.  The words were of little comfort then, but were so resoundingly true that I found a strange kind of peace in them despite their finality.   He said, "Betty, we must remember that no life is complete without a death."  At the time they didn't make sense to me, but in the days that followed; after the flowers were wilted and the mourning clothes put away -- they were strangely comforting, and right.


I would never have been ready for this death since I could hardly imagine Lottie's life ending before mine.  It just isn't fair, in the scheme of things.  There was so much left unspoken ... but maybe that's inevitably the way that fate has of keeping a 'presence' alive -- the essence of those who've passed on -- a way to sustain life even in death.  I suppose I'll be in silent and sometimes troubling conversation with my sister for as long as I'm alive.


Photo:  by E.F. Joseph of Lottie as a vibrant teenager. 

A Day of Remembrance at Port Chicago with Ranger Shelton Johnson of Yosemite ... .

... it was a day of chill winds and patriotism -- of the best kind.

Among the hundreds of those who gathered at the monument for this 66th anniversary of the tragic explosion that vaporized 2 ships and 320 young Americans were dignitaries like Rep. George Miller who carried the legislation to turn this monument into the 392nd unit of the National Park System; from Washington, Deputy Director Micky Fearne of the NPS; the mayor of the City of Concord, reps from Senators Boxer and Feinstein; survivors of the no longer existent small town of Port Chicago; park rangers from surrounding NPS sites; Sea Scouts who provided the honor guard for the proceedings; friends, families of the lost as well as the survivors.

In his poetic fashion, Ranger Shelton Johnson embraced the cutting wind and by so doing, removed the chill and gave it personality; made it into the central character in his moving address.

Someone in the audience used his/her cell phone and created this video and had it online within 24 hours.  Of course the professional DVD that was produced of the entire event will be available within a reasonable length of time, but in the interim ... enjoy!

Photo:  all that's left except for memories.

Port Chicago Great Explosion - A Belated Thank You

... and then there was one ...

My youngest sister, Lottie Charbonnet Balugo Fields (on the right facing us), passed away this day -- July 17, 2010 at around noon -- on the 66th anniversary of the explosion at Port Chicago.  We were attending the annual Day of Remembrance when word of her death came only moments after arriving at home.  

My eldest sister, Marjorie Charbonnet Brooms (seen here on my left), left us many years ago in mid-life on the day that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated, or during those few chaotic days before his burial.  I remember traveling by train to attend her funeral and the radio broadcast of the moving of the cortege down Pennsylvania Avenue being aired on the train as the miles slid by ... all those silent stunned faces.  I'm not sure that I ever properly grieved over Marjorie's loss -- somewhere it all blended into some horrific nightmare.  So many thoughts, both beautiful and troubling -- as it is always with those of us left behind ... how awful it is when time runs out on things unsaid ... .

I remember that when Uncle Louis, my father's younger brother died -- how my dad was distressed that "God has sent his messenger's to take away Louie out of sequence.  I should have died first!"  

Is that what I'm feeling; survivor's guilt?

Photo from the E.F. Joseph collection

Looks like Boys Day at the Rosie the Riveter Memorial ... .

I do so enjoy interacting with youngsters -- especially those who are from other cultures.  We always seem to be able to surmount whatever generational differences that may lie between us in short order.  

These were middle school Latino boys who are enrolled in the PAL (Police Athletic League) summer program which includes sleeping on board the SS Red Oak Victory, the last ship built in the Kaiser shipyards during World War II.  

That was yesterday.  Today I met with a group of about 8 young African American men (18-22) and one young woman who  are members of the Student Conservation Association (SCA), and who are doing a remarkable job painting and cleaning up the old ship and the dock against which she's moored.  This is a paid summer job sponsored by a city program called Youth Works.  They are proud to be engaged in such meaningful work on this iconic ship.  They're doing such a fine job that praise is being heaped upon them by everyone who is observing their work and the purposeful way they're going about it. 

I went aboard at their invitation today, and shared a brief history of World War II Richmond, making the assumption that these would be the stories of their grandparents who may have arrived in the West as migrant workers to help to build these 747 ships.  Since I'm a contemporary of those grandparents; I can make those stories live for these grandchildren.  Maybe in the telling I'm adding a layer of dignity to those lives.  It is such a privilege to be able to spend even these short periods with the young -- you can see the lights turn on behind their eyes as they listen!  I share my own stories as well over brown bag lunches.

Summertime is going to be rich and exciting for us all, I think.  This park-in-the-making has come such a long way in its development since it was legislated into being in the year 2000, and the community is gradually awakening to the importance of its history in the context of the national stories.  The National Park Service is "America's best idea," and being a part of bringing that to life in this place is magical -- and such a privilege ... .

Photos by Ellen Gailing

Think I mentioned some posts back that there is nothing more satisfying to me than to become incorporated in someone else's art ... .


It was so with the Shotgun Players when the opportunity arose to assist young playwright, Marcus Gardley, in the development of a new play, "This World in a Woman's Hands" ...  and I got to piggyback on the artistic achievement of an important young playwright of an exciting theater experience.  It was so when the Richmond Art Center's program of community arts made possible a multimedia-event that allowed me to work with a young high school male student; or with author Summer Brenner's presentation of "Where I'm From", a visual arts exhibit that placed elders with teens in a show that is still traveling about after two years.  It was so when I was invited to participate as one of the subjects for 4 young women from Richmond High who produced a wonderful video while learning their craft and -- in some cases -- forging a potential career path. And it was so when Director Kathy McCarty cast Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues with those remarkable local actors and moi earlier in this year of surprising adventures in the Arts.


There have been other times; but none more rewarding than a leisurely Sunday morning spent with muralist, UCLA Professor Judy Baca, who has been commissioned to create an important work for the City of Richmond.  


The video below is an example of her work which is boldly exciting with an appeal that transcends boundaries and enters some realm that unites us all in her experience.
 

Professor Baca was in town meeting with community people in order to find some direction from which to create what promises to be a work of national import.  She invited me to the Richmond Arts Center one morning last October to talk about what that focus might be.  We talked for what turned out to be 4 videotaped parts of a conversation that is now available online in several places.  During that talk the concept emerged of "extraordinary ordinary people" (my description of that heroic generation of Richmond's migrant workers of WWII) -- has been adopted as the theme of the work.  I've not yet figured out how to add the link so that it is accessible here.  Meanwhile, you might try Judy Baca Betty Reid Soskin Vimeo which may bring it up if you're interested.  Maybe www.richmondmuralproject will work as well.


I learned only a day or so ago that the conversation had been posted online; though it has been many months since it occurred.


Meanwhile, I'm going to run this Danza de la Tierra video again just to bask in reflected glory!

It was Dorian's attorney on the other end of the line ... "Just wanted you to know that I'm hereby nominating you for sainthood!  (His grin was audible.) ... .


I laughed long after he'd hung up -- it had only taken a minute or two for him to tell me that he'd just gotten off the phone with Dorrie who had called with an 11 minute uninterrupted litany of complaints about her mother's acting out (I figured he was regretting having handed her his business card in that first meeting!) and, Wow!  But with all the nonsense about client's rights and all -- it's what we do -- even when said client's best interests can rarely be served by such edicts.  (And with that statement I just eliminated all chance of my ascension to sainthood.)

I was at my desk  when the call came, and when I stopped laughing it occurred to me that -- where this diatribe must certainly be a mystery to any outsider who was wondering how caretakers of the mentally-disabled can maintain their sanity? There really are strategies that develop that allows us to not only withstand the verbal abuse, but to actually get beyond it into areas of mutual enjoyment. Dorrie and I have an honest loving relationship most of the time; the exceptions prove the rule since we rarely end the day in anger. 


I've become a master manipulator; and am unapologetic and as unrelenting in the exercise of those techniques as Dorian is at pushing buttons.  And the important thing he didn't know was how easily she is redirected.  Often it takes no more than, "....did I leave my glasses on the nightstand?" and we're off into a new conversation, or, "did we remember to write kitty litter on the shopping list?"  But how could he possibly know that?


I learned early-on to limit her choices.  That's basic.  When she was a little girl I would never ask if she wanted to go to bed.  It was always, "do you want to wear the blue or the pink pajamas tonight?"   That sets the pattern for much that has followed in our relationship.  It's also what didn't follow her into "The World" where social workers and case managers -- adhering to the strict rules (justifiably) about "patients rights" and "client's rights," added complexity to what I consider common sense. 


It was clear that my daughter would never have the capacity to use judgment in matters critical to her survival in the general population.  The professionals who would guide her life would or could not pre-screen her options the way that I had been free to.  They were at a disadvantage of what I saw as some pretty weird regulations -- all in the interest of fairness.  Maybe it's all in the interpretation of those regulations; interpretation that requires less rigidity from those with the power to express it.  How else does one allow someone with my daughters mental limitations -- who has the physical ability to bear a child but who is without the capacity to parent -- to be denied her right not to bear children? The legal reason being because she lacks the ability to give informed consent.  Hogwash!


I fully understand the rationale behind that state ruling.  It came onto the books in order to protect poor and minority women from being sterilized unknowingly; a practice shamefully performed in an earlier time in order to save the state welfare funds.  It's like those cuts placed in the sidewalks at the curb to enable those in wheelchairs a way to cross the street -- but that thoroughly confused the blind who rely on that curb to tap their way through traffic.  Interpretation is essential almost without exception.


Right now, I'm needing Dorian to be apart from me; for both our sakes.  Our long range campaign for life beyond her mother requires that.  The past 8 months have served to regress us both, and I've become "Mommy" with a vengeance!  She is settling into being treated as a protected child when that is terribly destructive to her future.  


Perhaps her attorney and her case manager (both men of good intent) needed to be exposed to her wrath and inconsistencies in order to get some measure of her deficits.  They're both new in her life.  I have faith in them both, but they may not understand that the subject of her rage (mostly around control of her finances), and her mother's insistent dominance over her check book, are intentional parts of the next steps in her future.


Instead of "shall we wear the pink or the blue pajamas," what this situation requires is enough expressed love and support from me to continue her recovery to the extent that is possible, but with enough abrasiveness in our relationship so that she will soon be ready to move out into her own apartment (with an attendant) of her own volition, and not have the feeling of having been rejected by her mother.  I need to reestablish myself in her life as "Mother as best friend."  She needs to feel that it was she who made the choice to move on.


There is a lovely apartment available for her to move into -- about ten minutes from mine -- and soon those of us charged with her welfare should be showing her the variety of options open to her (a residential institution for the disabled; another group home with other mentally-challenged clients; or a great apartment in a development with 3 swimming pools and a small gym for her continuing physical therapy), but among the choices will not be the option to remain in a living arrangement with her mother.  See what I mean?  


Limited choices is the strategy that is missing from the rule book that social scientists live by, and the practice might well improve the lives of both clients and families caught up trying to get from day to day in a world filled with contradictions and hardships that often defy logic.

Sainthood?  Nah.  Manipulator?  Sure, and unabashed.  


Patience?  Not so much. 

Love?  Most definitely.  It's the balm that makes all else possible.

"Just posted my new website, Grandma!"

It was Rosie announcing in an email that her new venture (she designs elegant jewelry and is venturing into songwriting and singing a la grandmother and father, Bob), and,  being entrepreneurial as is her legacy -- has set herself up in the marketplace online.  Not only that, but with Grandma's  permission has generously included 6 single Betty Songs (from over 40 years ago) for sale along with hers.

Would it not be ironic if one of those songs caught on (despite the fact that I'm an octogenarian with very few years to go before I've left the "octo" and entered the "whatever is left" part of my life, and found myself selling DVD's alongside Taylor Swift, Lady GaGa, and Justin Bieber?  Would that not be wild?   Talk about eclectic!


Anyway, I immediately clicked myself onto her website (it's really colorful and lovely); enlarged her bee-yoo-ti-ful jewelry pieces with my mouse (featuring crystals and magnets in truly original designs); ordered a necklace for Alyana (a younger granddaughter who just graduated herself into high school in the fall; and then went to the music feature therefore becoming Rosie's virgin sale.  Saw the photo of myself beside one of Rosie and marveled, again, at having lived into such a time ... .

Visit Rosie Reid Funk and CreoleRox Jewelry (http://www.rosiereidfunk.com) and roam around, and tell her that Grandma sent you. 

Top Photo by Bob Reid 

His name is Dr. Trevor Stack, and, as a referral from Museum Director, Andrea Blachman of the Martinez History Museum, I was to meet him at the Rosie the Riveter Memorial on Thursday afternoon ... .


The only thing I'd learned from our brief phone conversation was that he was giving lectures on citizenship.  And just where do you suppose I fit into that topic?  I wasn't sure; and that his return to Europe is only a few days away (on Sunday, I believe) and this would be a first and last conversation, so there would be no time for re-thinking positions, or self-editing. 

Looked him up on the Internet after the call and learned that he holds a B.A. from Oxford University in Britain; a Masters and Ph.D. from the University of Pennsylvania; that his subject is Hispanic Studies and that he is on a sabbatical from the University of Aberdeen in Scotland. 

During his visit to Martinez on his speaking tour, he'd been given a copy of the cover article I'd written for the California Historian in the June, 2009 edition (online), and wanted to meet and speak with me.  Could it be that he had assumed me to be a credentialed legitimate "historian"?  Would he be disappointed upon discovering that this was not true?  Would I feel like a fraud passing myself off as a scholar?  The answer is "no," on all counts, and that this unassuming professor simply wanted to discuss the ideas I'd presented, and that his extensive travels and times spent in Mexico made him sensitive to racial issues and those of citizenship in relation to people of color, particularly relationships between Latinos and African Americans.  A legitimate interest, and my article had spoken to that, though not substantively.

Yet, just before our hour-long conversation while basking in the warm sun in Marina Bay Park ended -- I felt my toes curl up in my sensible brown government regulation oxfords as he told me that he will be using my lengthy article with his students at Aberdeen University upon his return to Scotland.

Can you ever imagine in your wildest dreams ... ?

Hoo Boy!  It's gettin' rough in here ... .

...sorry to be so long in entering anything, but life has not gone as smoothly in this makeshift housing arrangement as one might wish, and taking time out to make notes only added to the pressures.

Won't go into the problems we're having, that would not make any sense.  It suffices to say that coming home for Dorian has had some unintended glitches, and her mother's well-intentioned moves have not been particularly helpful.  Fortunately, the professionals have finally kicked in, and help is not only on the way, but the cavalry can now be viewed just outside our condo.

Meanwhile, I've had the distraction of doing a 2 and-a-half hour video for ROHO (Regional Oral History Office) from the Bancroft Library at UC Berkeley today, and it served to focus me and my work a bit.  It was requested by ROHO as an updating of the oral history that is already online but was done in the 90's.  I'd never actually read that transcript through until this week in preparation for today's effort and noticed some errors that had occurred in the transcribing that needed correction.  These were mostly proper names or places that were mis-heard.  It seemed a worthy thing to do.  It was interesting to discover that there was nothing of substance that I would have wanted not to have said, or, that I didn't regret on any terms whatsoever.  I may watch the video of that interview one day soon.  I've never had the wish to do so before now.  It also allowed me to stay at home for the work since there was not adequate space at the office, nor much control of sound. 

Maybe having had the experience of being reintroduced to my artist self at the Hotel Nikko, has had the effect that I can now dare to retrace steps taken in the past.  I have watched video interviews of myself done in the recent past, and found them not embarrassing -- in fact I actually discovered that I could watch those done at Port Chicago and found them both interesting and relevant.

The existing oral history that was done in the nineties predates my position with the National Park Service, so ROHO would like to do another soon that deals with my experience with the NPS and life as a park ranger.  That may be meaningful since my work started so early in the development of Rosie the Riveter WWII/Home Front Historical National Park  (around 2002) that it coincides with that of the park's beginnings -- a valuable contribution, perhaps.

So, with the distraction of meaningful work I've been able to survive the mounting tensions of trying to combine lives with my recovering daughter; but I'll tell you ... we're just barely makin' it!

Tomorrow, we'll attend the 1st Annual Native American Festival at Lucretia Edwards Park together.  She now has an attendant from Nightingale Nursing Service, Kathy, a dynamic former cheerleader who is about to go off into the Army for training, and who is a gem who will go along with us to the Festival.  She drives a jeep so is ultra "cool" in Dorian's eyes.  I'll be in uniform and helping in whatever ways are required of me.  Having had today out of the office to work with ROHO means that I'm rested up for tomorrow -- but whether we'll be coming home in one piece is still to be determined!

... then there's the bus tour on Monday for 18 teachers from the Oakland Unified School District.  Dorian will return to NIAD.

...and we'll have survived another week of adjusting.

Photo:  This is Dorian's sculpture of  "Tsunami," which was created at the time of the Asian tragedy.  We're living our version of an emotional tsunami right now, so this seemed an appropriate choice.  This is all one piece but was impossible to photograph without using two shots in order to retain the detail.  Note that she included a way for people to escape the oncoming deluge.  Maybe we'll be so lucky!

... been a long time since the last entry ...


and it surely isn't because life has slowed down a whit.  I've just been too busy livin' it.  Little time to write about it.


Let's see:


I've guided tours -- strangely enough, my last tour consisted largely of other rangers though not in uniform.  Not sure what that was about, but it may have had to do with the fact that ROHO (Regional Oral History Office -- of the Bancroft Library at UC Berkeley) --  was filming this tour and there was the need to show the seats on the bus filled with "tourists".  Not sure; but it was novel for me.  In a way it felt as if I might be being evaluated, but it didn't feel the least bit negative.  As always, I improvised my way through the 2 and-a-half hour tour and even found some newness in my interpretation.  Maybe that was because I was aware that many of them had heard my stories before and that I needed to dig deeper for some freshness.  And, as always, I stopped before I ran out of truth.


And -- an exciting thing has happened in that the Generations Project of Brigham Young University Media has invited me to be a subject for their nationally-viewed show (cable channels).   It means "maybe 2 and-a-half weeks of filming," and (the most exciting part of all -- an invitation to allow their genealogists to explore my family history with me -- around a question of import to the narrative.  


If you've used the links under my photo and have seen the work already completed on both my maternal and paternal lines, you may have noticed that -- prior to the Civil War -- there is much that is missing, except for the history of the white ancestors whose lines are traceable.  It is the difficulty of piercing the Slave Curtain that is so frustrating.  How I would love to know where my black ancestors originated; even to the region, if not the actual family lineage!  


I'd give almost anything to learn about the origin of the free woman of color "of high birth" (according to cousin Paul Charbonnet) who became the consort of the Charbonnet man with whom she bore 9 children, one being my gggrandfather, Dorson Charbonnet, for whom my dad was named.  And how about my mother's grandfather,  Corporal George Allen, about whom we've learned so little; except that he was a Louisianian who fought with the Colored Troops on the side of the North in the Civil War.  There is so much left unlearned and untold.  


It would be so wonderful if, through me, those doors on the past can be unlocked so that the current and next generations of family historians will have access to the material that will complete the narrative.  What a gift that would be to many yet unborn.


Needless to say, I will take the time off my work to make this adventure possible.  I'm guessing that this segment will go into production soon.  This is far too important to ignore, and I do have lots of vacation time available to draw upon.  

Not sure how this will be managed with Dorian now living with me, but we do have 24 hours-a-week of personal aide services granted by the Regional Center of the East Bay, and there are family members to enlist into service, so I'm going to proceed as if -- whatever problems there are -- will be worked out to make this once-in-a-lifetime experience possible.


Will keep y'all posted.  (By the way, have I told you that the plural of y'all is alla y'all?) 


Photos:  Dorian and I rode in the Juneteenth Day Parade in celebration of the day that word of the Emancipation Proclamation issued by President Lincoln reached Texas -- months after freedom came to the rest of the Old South. The National Park Service maintains a presence at all of the city's parades and festivals; a role I thoroughly enjoy.

When life begins to close in and becomes threatening to the psyche ... it's time to go line-dancing!

There was not only the close-up stuff, like Dorian's slow recovery and this-week's-move in to my small apartment, but then there was the Flotilla attack off Gaza that involved some local folks; continuing BP oil gushing uncontrollably in the Gulf;  up-coming California Primaries for which I've not yet studied the ballot; the sudden explosion of my supermarket checkout line celebrity with its unexpected never-quite-ready-for-it fame; all that stuff that makes up my days now ... so why not?

Dion's birthday party brought together old friends and acquaintances for an afternoon of noshing on great food -- a genuine caller who was the only male in the room at the Hillside Club -- and what fun!

Maybe ya gotta have whimsy to balance off what is often a far too purposeful life.

Except that I found that I'm hard-wired for the Electric Slide and never quite got the hang of the Texas two-step.  Maybe if they'd had some James Brown on the turntable, or a little Aretha or Marvin Gaye ...

As it turns out, there's really little to worry about.  We've already accomplished the goal of independence ... I just failed to notice.

It was clear when we were going through the discharge procedures at Elmwood yesterday, that Dorian has left a trail of expressed love that will follow her as she pursues her place in the world.  The staff was obviously sorry to see her leave and will welcome her back as she continues to visit those for whom she has incomplete projects.  She has a carefully drawn list of deliveries to make over the next few weeks -- after all she spent several months in their care, and will need to withdraw gradually from this world that she's created for herself these past weeks.

She and DotCom (and Elizabeth) will work out their schedule of occasional visits which will become her reason for being; in addition to her return to NIAD tomorrow on a 3 day-a-week schedule for a few weeks until the physicians give permission for a full schedule.

Now -- if I can only back off the mothering in favor of again becoming "mother as best friend," maybe we can consider this storm having been "weathered."

Her final project was this double-bed sized blanket for her niece, Rosie, who purchased the yarn and shipped it from Southern California to be made into a coverlet.  Dorian completed the task in about 3 weeks while whipping through the halls in her wheelchair; undergoing stretching exercises, learning to walk again (twice!),  practicing walking up and down stairs; helping to lead the exercise class; and teaching her roommate to crochet!

Dorian is ready to return to the world and is more than adequately prepared for the changes she must endure.  And, maybe her mother is, too.

Now for the learning to live together in my small apartment; finding places to stash her belongings; tripping over her two cats; at least temporarily while waiting for more permanent arrangements to be made ... still much to work our way through.

I feel confirmed in the belief that the secret to acceptance is to strive to be a giver.  Takes no effort, and establishes ones value in the world in many ways.  Takes little mental capacity and nothing more than a willingness to extend whatever is of value to you into the lives of others.  Her obvious effort in creating her gifts gains respect and affection that nothing else can achieve.  Both she and the receivers gain so much in the exchange; that's immeasurable, but it must be remembered that the growth is with the giver.

Photo:  Do click to enlarge so that you can see that each of these tiny loops that make up this completely hand crocheted blanket had to be caught in the crochet hook, twisted around, drawn into the knot that, when collected with others becomes a work of art -- what a wondrous thing is the heart.  And, no, selling them is not an option.  It's all in the giving.

Oh, before it's forgotten or pushed back because "Life" has gotten in the way ... .

I need to tell you about filming yesterday at the Rosie the Riveter Memorial:

Some weeks ago I was introduced to Kendall Wilcox, Executive Producer from BYU Broadcasting when he visited our offices in Richmond.  He was working on a documentary series entitled "The Generations Project"  (a program based on tracing family histories) which is being aired on cable channels nationally.  This segment is about an African American woman who was one of the migrant workers who arrived in the Bay Area as the result of the Kaiser recruitment efforts that swept through her town in Louisiana during WWII.

She's a very interesting subject who had survived the times and actually prospered after the war, becoming a property owner; operating a nightclub in San Francisco, and eventually becoming a political and labor union activist of some prominence before suffering a tragic end as a homicide victim in mid-life.

It was decided that -- because of our being contemporaries and both African American -- I might be able to provide context for Bessie Colvin's story by being filmed in conversation with her son (through whom the family narrative is being told). 

It was a fascinating experience in that -- though I'd been interviewed on camera fairly often in the recent past, never before had I participated in this kind of in-depth production.  The camera crew was led by a petite young woman who obviously had the entire script in mind and could envision the final product.  We filmed for several hours (though it seemed far less), and the "star" (Colvin's son) proved to be a warm and easy partner who made the adventure completely effortless.  It only took a moment after we were introduced for our souls to touch and -- if the result of the piece turns out to be as warm and comfortable as it felt -- the day went well and the production will be just fine.

The show will be aired nationwide in October.

Get out the back hoe!  Momma's gotta clean house ... .

Hadn't realized how bad it had become.  Working five days-a-week while visiting Dorian at Elmwood every day for the past 7 months -- plus keeping up a battery of activities in relation to my work has taken its toll.  I'm buried under by debris and may have to have the refrigerator hauled away without breaking the seal.  I can't imagine what pathogens might be flourishing in there.  Maybe I'll just have it delivered to the Bayer Pharmaceutical Lab for research for some new cure for the Ebola virus.

All kidding aside, with my daughter coming home to live (temporarily) with me in my small condo will bring with it a cadre of social workers, in-home help aides, physiotherapists; all with judgmental eyes with which to view her living conditions.  Since acquiring her two live-in cats and their cat box as well, things are becoming desperate, indeed. 

This move is necessary since the RCEB case management team didn't kick in until last week (after a 7 month stay in nursing homes!), and the long-range planning that should have been handled months ago means that they were not prepared for locating a living arrangement (read that group home or a residential placement in an institution) where her two felines would be accepted.  Giving them up is simply not an option; but how could they possibly know that?

So, after she worked so hard to master climbing the 16 steps (with a walker in hand) in preparation for coming home to my upstairs condo, I could not refuse to answer the door, right?

It means that living for all this time in a one-bedroom apartment with two futons decoratively stacked on the living-room floor and meant to accommodate occasional visits from grandchildren, means that grandma will be sleeping on one.  I'll have to give up my single bed to one who can't possibly physically rise from floor level, at least not for many months -- if ever.

Everything in me screams that this is an unwise decision.  I should have insisted upon finding another solution that wouldn't undermine our lifelong quest for her independence.  Unwise, maybe,  but as in most instances with me, it's intuition that takes over.  Logic aside, there's no resisting that. 

Now I'm needing to get out to the supermarket and find myself some super-strength vacuum cleaner bags and locate the nearest Goodwill store so that I can thin out my closets in order to accommodate the " Dorrie stuff" that I've been hauling around in the backseat of my car all these months because there was simply no time to unload ... .

If I don't post for a few days (I've taken two days off to try to get all this figured out), know that I'm alive and well and up to my ears in "logistics"!

Dorian's release date is May 31st and conferencing will be held tomorrow to begin the process of long range planning ... .

She has now graduated from wheelchair to walker and is attacking her physiotherapy program with a vengeance; announcing a few moments ago that she'd walked 1200 feet since rising this morning, and had climbed 14 steps to the garage (with an attendant, of course).   This has been a day of achievement -- and besides all that, Elizabeth (a ranger partner from our staff) is bringing her pet feline, DotCom, for a second lesson in becoming a therapy cat (the first was a week ago).  Elizabeth thoughtfully brought her animal friend on a leash to visit with Dorrie in the courtyard of Elmwood last week in what promises to be a first "training" in a new career.  Dorrie is ecstatic with her new position as a Trainer-in-training!

This afternoon I'll drive into Berkeley to pick her up for dinner out.  She's dying for barbecued ribs and in an actual restaurant at that.  With a walker we can manage it.  With the wheelchair it was a goal to be attained.

Her crochet work is serving backed-up orders (they're beautiful!) which she will continue upon release from the facility -- with a promise to deliver as completed.  We're hoping for her return to NIAD (National Institute for Artists and Disabilities) soon after her release.

Life is good ...  again ... maybe; at least until we learn the extent of her limited recovery, and how far they'll reach to effect her future.

... and what the implications are of her now extended disabilities, and how far they will reach into and effect my own limited future ... .

Good questions, all.


.. but for this moment it's barbecued baby-back ribs and mild sauce and another session of DotCom's training as a cat therapist!  Elizabeth plans to involve Dorrie after her discharge in plans to occasionally visit nursing homes in the area with DotCom for the purpose of making life more pleasant for those whose lives are being lived in shadows.  Dorian's experience as a patient will certainly inform her new career, and her great love for felines enables her to appreciate their value as "therapists."  No need for intellect here, guys, just a loving heart and the willingness to give.  Fortunately, she was blessed with both, as was Elizabeth.

By Jove, with the loving caring support of Elizabeth Tucker, I think we've got it!

Photo:  A portrait of the late  "Speedy Reid." Dorian painted this as a tribute for a noontime memorial service she conducted at NIAD the day after he was put down by the vet at the age of 17.  Note the halo.
Photo #2:  Do click to enlarge.  The expressions on all three faces are testimony to DotCom's ability to give comfort and reduce stress.